Oh recluse, how you taunt and tease! Sleepless nights accompanied by inner demons and memories of love long lost. With scattered thoughts fall grains of sand. Tired eyes burning holes into walls while thoughts, in disarray, continue on like an endless game of connect the dots. What I’d give to be like the pebble under the stream; still, as the water flows to and fro. Instead I toss and turn like the boat caught in the eye of the storm. Precarious, but tis’ the fate of the absurd man; of one, at times, detached from reality, floating about in a lucid dream. Redefining his purpose with each acquisition of knowledge and wisdom, redirecting his energy where there is need and suffering.
Hours pass and still no solace. Torn in so many directions with responsibility anchoring my feet; having to sacrifice individuality for the greater good and the survival of those I love. Constantly giving so much of myself so I can be a light for those who tread blindly through the darkness. Countless nights spent envisioning a better future; a better world where my seed can grow and enjoy the fruits of our bountiful Earth. Nights pondering where to begin. Surrounded by the descendants of kings and queens robbed of their history, and stripped of their self confidence.
Nights feeling useless and unproductive. Feeling the hurt and pain of those around me like a dark cloud hovering above my head. To feel like Poe, insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. And in the midst of all the chaos, I wonder if I am worthy of love; worthy of someone’s time and energy; of someone’s trust and admiration. The task of changing the world seems ever so daunting without the embrace of one who chooses to love you despite your flaws and imperfections.
So many times I’ve let love slip out of my hands that I wonder if I’ve wasted all my chances. For the closest I’ve ever been to god has been through the heart of a woman. The safest I’ve ever felt has been in her embrace, and the most peaceful by her side. The best I’ve ever known myself was through her pain which reflected my insecurities and imperfections, and through her joy that showed me my strengths and confidence.
My queen, my love, I pray that you are out there still. I pray that when I find you I make you happy so that I can forgive myself for all the wrongs and mistakes I’ve committed, for they are many. I pray that I be ready to receive you when we cross paths and that I can give you all that you deserve. I’m far from perfect but I will try with every ounce of blood and energy I possess. The world makes no sense to me. Reassure me that I am not alone; that my heavy, weary soul can find a modicum of sanity and peace in your arms. Tell me that it will be okay; that I can rest my head and breathe; that the task of Atlas is not mine to bear.
And when my head wanders into the clouds, may your love anchor me to the ground and remind me that I am needed here as well. Until then, my smile shall mask this void, and my light shall shine ever so brightly. For life has humbled me. I shall remain a night walker until my journey ends in your arms, and I will dream of you with each coming day. Existing in defiance of chaos. Cursed with the inability to rest, burning holes into my ceiling walls. Oh recluse, how you taunt and tease…